| Wow, I haven't written in this thing in ages. I totally forgot about it, and then one day I remembered and...yeah. Well its been over a year now since I last wrote in my Xanga, and theres so many different things going on in my life now. My life has changed drastically, and time has went by way too fast. I read all my entries that I wrote before, and I can't even remember most of the things that happened. Its all so weird. Well I'm almost 17, I'm back at my old junior high school at COLS, only this time i'm in 11th grade. Many of my old friends that I thought were actually "friends" were really just a bunch of bologna. And now I look back on how I was before and how I am now, and my life before really seemed like a game, like I was putting up a facade of myself for everyone elses approval. Thats stupid, if people like me they like me cuz I'm being myself and they can go fuck themselves if they don't. I guess I was just a poser. Ha, anyways..I believe in fate, I believe things happen for a reason. And if I didn't get the bad hand in life, then I wouldn't have learned the good stuff, so now I think it was worth it. My parents finally divorced...well..they are still in the proccess. But I'm happy that they did, there alot happier, they still love eachother...and if anything this divorce has brought them closer. Funny how that goes. Me and my mom lived in University Heights for a while, in this small cottage, I didn't really like it, it drove me crazy there. I felt so isolated, and confused. And the neighborhood had gays and transvestites and all sorts of people walking around. But it was a very pretty, and a relaxing area too. Oh yeah, and all the friends I had. Hmm...Cynthia...what is there to say about her...hmm, well I never admited to her, and I probebly still wouldn't unless she read this..but I thought she was such a bitch. Oh yeah Cynthia, if you read this...u were so damn annoying, but you made me laugh, not that I didn't like you, its actually funny that I liked somone so damn annoying. U really gave me alot of bullshit, I didn't need it. But thanks anyways. At least I'm admiting it now, because its the the truth, and you got a kick out of making me feel bad about myself, only because you hated and couldn't even trust who you were. And it was obvious then, only I wouldn't have told you that, because I'm not like you..I was actually being a friend before, silly me. And now I guess I'm just being a bitch, well I learned from the best right? Anyways..Well... I became really close friends with Denise afterwards...she was so much fun, but wow...we gave eachother alot of trouble. Haha, we became such stoners, and had the best laughs. I don't smoke anymore, but I don't regret smoking before. It was just my life at the time, and I dealt with it a certain way. But I really wish Denise didn't do those other drugs, I mean...she was supposebly my best friend, and when she did the other drugs it was like she transformed herself totally, she became mean, and paranoid, kinda crazy too. And its hard to forgive her for what she did, even though we still talk on the phone every once and a while. I guess its easier to forgive an enemy, then a friend who stabs you in the back, you know. Well maybe I do forgive her, and I won't forget her, and I still love her, but things won't ever be the same..were not best friends anymore. Oh and Blanca..shes kinda of old news, but I still care about her, oddly enough. I haven't even heard from her since 9th grade. I don't really know her anymore. I went out with Erick for a year and something months, I really loved him...more like the idea of him. And its weird because he wasn't all that, I just remember the first year of highschool thinking he looked like this bad boy, but he really wasn't, he was shy. It kept me interested, and I liked that. And thats how it started. And for a while things seemed meant to be, we loved eachother and were really close. But I grew up and realized how blind I was, and he stayed the same. I moved on, and so did he. And thats how its been ever since. So now days, things run alot smoother. No, I don't have many friends, that should be a good thing. Cuz what are friends anyways if they stab you in the back ya know? But I do have a best friend, and its a crazy story...I've known Melissa since 1st grade. I even have pictures with her, and when I was in Elementry we were friends. We always got along, and we still do, we never bring eachother down, we act goofy, and we have our share of secrets, and girl talk. She's more laid back then I am, I'm really energentic and I'll always be doing something, but she'll go along with it. And were not stoners, or party people. We do things that we would have done before, like when that stuff never happened, like when we were younger. Shes a really great friend to have around. I'm still really close with my sister-in-law, we understand eachother really well. She knows everything about me. And she understands me, and were like best friends and sisters. So I have two best friends, ones my age, ones older, but thats good enough for me. My neice is almost four, she is so beautiful, and smart, and extremely funny. Its weird cuz she has long straight blonde hair, and her mom is mexican. She looks like a total white surfer kind of girl. And my sister in law is getting ready to have her next baby, this one is a boy. Well...after Erick, since then, I've had lots of bf's...I really don't know if I want any right now though...I don't think I can trust guys, and I'm not ready to have another fucked up bf. I feel like its a waste of time. I mean sure, bf's are fun to have around, you can kiss them, and they can buy you things. But alot of guys have one thing on their mind, and they can be alot of drama on your shoulders. Plus, if your in a relationship it knocks out all the other things you could be doing if you were single. It makes me not even want to get married. I'd rather just live with my dog the rest of my life. Haha, when I was little I was like in a fairy tale with how life "should" be, where I would think my prince would come just like Snow White, and I would have a prince charming that would carry me off into the castle. This is funny, I know alot of girls do this, some just won't admit it. But I used to pray, and wish upon a star, and blow on the dandylions, and pick off the petals of a flower, and wish on my birthday cake, every chance I got. For all the wonderful things in life, and to have a prince charming. Lol...I actually believed it. I pray every once and a while for good things in life, but I don't say a prince charming. Thats too childish for me now. Even though it sounds good. Now about guys...well I know alot of guys like me because of the outside I guess, and I feel like I can make them like me more with parts of my personality, but when I realize that, I subcontisouly like to see what would happen if I made them not like me, if I wasn't myself. If I was either a bitch, or acted really stupid, or acted immature, and showed them that I didn't care. Thats like a way of protecting myself from being hurt. Cuz really...life seemed like such a burden before, like why the hell am I here, and why does everything go bad, why is everything seem so unreal. And being in a dream seemed more like reality then reality itself, and I used to smoke so much pot just so I didn't have to put up with the drama in life, I didn't want to live through it, or I just didn't want to care about it, because I didn't want to feel anything. And it felt good. And everyone thought I was so happy, and people thought she smiles she's always so damn happy, shes a stoner, bla bla bla. And I really just thought, I don't know why I smile, I just do it because you don't know me, and your probably wrong even when I smile. So what? Keep smiling and the world will go with it. When I moved to University Heights, I slowly stopped smoking for the better. Now I live in Chula Vista, and I really like my house. Its fun, and I love the way it looks, its really comfortable, and it has wooden floors. So nice..anyways, yeah well I wrote a hell of a lot, probebly a whole essay on my life. Good Grief...I had to catch up though. So I guess this is enough for today. -Kelsey |
